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“Who is the white Al Sharpton?”

D. Watkins of Salon recently posed the question “Who is the white Al Sharpton?”

A reasonable white person might ask, “Yes, who is the go-to figure out there representing white interests? Who is looking out for us?”

This idea bounced around in my mind for a couple of days, so I decided to do some research by reaching out to some white people I know and asking them who the white Al Sharpton is.

I presented a scenario: “I said some hurtful things about white people that kind of made me look disconnected. Who is the go-to white person I should be talking to — the expert on white issues —  who can help me reconnect with and regain my respect in the white community?”

This is a good question. Do white people have any such representative? Not that The White People’s Press is aware of — at least not officially — but perhaps we should. Perhaps an explicitly white advocacy group, with a Sharpton-esque figurehead, would be beneficial.

D. Watkins is asking an important question.

Unfortunately, D. Watkins is not asking it in earnest.

Each time I crossed my fingers, hoping and praying they’d say Seth Rogen.

For starters, he’s hilarious. But Rogen I think also has the kind of balanced temperament to help me understand the necessary rules of engaging with and interacting with whiteness.

But no one recommended Rogen, even when I seeded the idea by slipping his name into the conversation. White people just laughed.

“Bro, it’s Ellen; hands down!” a colleague told me. “She has white people on lock, kind of like a White Oprah.”

“Whoa-prah?” I responded. “Woke-prah!”

“I love Ellen,” I continued. “How great would our country be if she had Trump’s job?”

We laughed because we’re silly, or at least I’m silly. We laughed because the whole conversation is silly.

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